Skip to main content

Sure, we all have different preferences when it comes to the kinds of people we are attracted to but why is this? You could have everything in common with a person and still not be interested in them because they just don’t fit into your ‘type’ properly, this is a bad and good thing depending on how you look at it.

Featured Image Source:
Jair Garciaferro Via Unsplash

Because of this, we close ourselves off from a lot of great potential partners but if there is no spark, is there any sense is trying at all? When it comes to failed relationships our inability to change or deviate from our ‘types’ we set ourselves up for failure in many ways. Science has gone over this in a lot of ways and broken things down to help make them a bit easier to truly understand.

Psychology Today explained this as follows:

The reason we keep winding up with the same type of person or stuck in the same dynamic dates back to our earliest relationships. As young children, we developed defenses to cope with painful or frustrating circumstances. Growing up, we became wedded to our defenses, believing them to be part of our personality. If we formed negative ideas about ourselves—for instance, that we’re unlovable or unattractive—we now seek out people whose behavior will support these beliefs.

We choose partners, then, who reinforce familiar attitudes we’ve long had toward ourselves. You may think you were drawn to the aloof and mysterious guy because he seemed deep and interesting, but ultimately, you may have been drawn in by his emotional absence or inability to fully relate to you. You may not be able to stop thinking about that woman who demanded your attention all night, but it may actually have been her controlling attitude that won you over.

Our defenses informed the attachment patterns we developed as young children to get our needs met by our primary caregivers. These early attachment patterns became models for how we expected relationships to work in our adult lives. If we felt rejected, ignored, intruded on, insecure, criticized, resented, or drained in our early life, we may grow up to tend to seek out relationships that recreate that same emotional climate. If as kids we felt our needs were ignored or overlooked, we may now feel drawn to people who are emotionally unavailable, noncommittal, or even married to someone else. If we felt we had to take care of everyone in our household, we may now seek partners we feel we have to rescue. If we felt rejected or unloved, we may find people we have to convince to love us or whom we have to “win over.”

Breaking this mold we’ve created for ourselves is a lot easier once we’ve acknowledged it in the first place. Becoming aware of the patterns and working to make different choices is the only way to begin to move forth on a different note. When it comes to ‘types’ some of us have created preferences in regards to physical traits, hobbies, personality traits, but not everyone takes notice for all of those things. Some people only look at the physical traits and others dive into something else entirely and there is no easy way to avoid it.

Do you have a type and has it affected you in ways that you wish it hadn’t? To learn more on this topic please check out the video below. I for one think perhaps stepping out of our comfort zones in this regard might be a serious benefit to us all.