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Sure, sometimes we end up falling for someone who works out perfectly for us and fits well into our lives but a lot of the time we end up head over heels for the opposite. We as human beings tend to gravitate more towards those we know we cannot have than those who are before us ready to let us in. 

Even as children we were this way with things in general, we wanted things we didn’t have or could not get so badly that it tore us up inside, didn’t it? This kind of thing seems ingrained in our human nature, doesn’t it? Well, that could be because it kind of is. 

Some people chalk this kind of thing up to the ‘chaser’ dynamic when it comes to relationships but that’s not all it is. Whether we had this someone, to begin with, or not, we want them for a lot of different reasons. We want them because we think somehow gaining their affection will make us more validated in our own lives or in some cases we’re even attracted to the unknown about this person and like the mystery of it all. 

Think about it, if you initially crush on someone, that crush will grow unless you squash it yourself. Sometimes that crush ends up playing out properly and other times you realize that your chances of being with this person are slim to none, does that stop you from crushing? You know you should not be ‘liking’ this person as much as you are and that things probably won’t work out for whatever reasons (depending on the circumstances) but does that stop your heart from becoming more and more involved? Nope, it doesn’t.

Psychology Today wrote as follows on this topic:

First, it’s important to acknowledge that sexual and romantic attraction are often simply basic and normal physiological responses to attractive stimuli. So you shouldn’t beat yourself up when you realize you’ve developed a crush on someone you shouldn’t. We don’t consciously tell our brain to generate attraction to particular people; it does it on its own. It’s like looking at a decadent dessert and your mouth-watering: You can’t stop a natural reaction like that. While it isn’t easy to avoid these instinctual reactions, it is within your control to avoid acting on them. You don’t have to be hard on yourself for finding someone attractive, but you don’t have to give yourself permission to act on the attraction, either.

The brain is a funny thing; it turns out that the things that we believe are “forbidden” are things that we typically want even more because of it, at least for a while. Studies have shown that people trying to cut back on calories are more likely to think about the high-calorie foods they are trying to avoid (Israeli & Stewart, 2001). If time away and time spent thinking about other things is what you need to give yourself a break, then it’s definitely worth trying. If a tempting treat isn’t in your fridge, you’re not going to be able to gobble it down.

Most of the time, though, repeated exposure to a stimulus (the hot crush) will actually dull your attraction. The novelty wears off and you can begin to see the faults a crush has that were “invisible” during the early stages of attraction.

If you find you’re most attracted to people who are off-limits, you might first ask yourself whether you’re relationship-phobic and are choosing people who would never really be attainable as partners. If you’re afraid of commitment, it’s safer not to let your heart crush on potential partners.

It may be that you’re crushing on a specific type of unattainable partner—maybe you’re crushing on “dad types” or the husbands of your friends—and while it’s not so much that you find the guys attractive, perhaps you really dig the idea of motherhood and wish for a partner who would be the kind of dad these guys seem to be. Or maybe you’re a guy crushing on friends who are new moms because you’d really like to be a dad at this point in your life.

I know, this all might sound a bit odd but it seems quite true. Have you ever found yourself longing for someone you couldn’t have? I feel as though we all have at one point or another and whether this helps you understand it better or not, you’re not alone in all of this.