What makes people fall in love? While the equation isn’t that simple, there are a set of questions developed by psychologists that are supposed to help people fall in love.
When two people meet, several factors play into whether or not they will fall in love. For example, each of us has a type, and then, we also seek partners who share similar values as us. In some cases, people just simply click.
According to Arthur Aaron, a psychologist, there is also another way to fall in love. In the 1990’s he developed 36 questions to fall in love, based on scientific research he had done. These questions are supposed to be developed with the sole intention of helping people to fall in love. Additionally, the questions can also help relationships where the spark is beginning to fade.
But do the questions work?
Aaron and his wife Elaine worked together to create the questions, which they broke down into three groups. As you move along and go deeper into the questions, they grow more and more personal. For them to work properly, they should be answered in 45 minutes.
The questions have been featured in the New York Times, as well as in a few studies. In on 2015 paper, published by Mandy Len Catron, she wrote about her personal experience with the questions. She explains how she used the questions on an acquaintance who she later married.
To be honest, I could understand why anyone would be skeptical about these questions. It seems crazy that a set of questions could be so powerful. However, there have been studies done that showed some interesting results.
In one study that took place in 1997, they used the questions to observe how closeness forms between two people and to understand how love affects the brain.
To carry out the study, they had participants ask each other the questions, with each level deepening to build a deep bond between them. After they had asked the questions, they were asked to sustain eye contact with each other for an additional four minutes.
The vast majority of the participants not only fell in love but ended up getting married and inviting the entire lab to their wedding.
If you would like to use the questions yourself, take time for you and your partner to take them alone. You need at least 45 minutes of undistracted time together. This needs to be done in person, so you can sustain eye contact afterward.
For 15 minutes, you will ask the first set of questions, taking turns. Then, move on to the next set, giving yourself another 15 minutes. Repeat until the questions are over. In the end, make eye contact and sustain it for four minutes.
Here are the questions:
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling … “
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … “
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.