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When you grow up in a home where your mother is not as kind to you as she should be, perhaps this is a question you end up facing. Those who have positive relationships with their mothers might not know how this kind of thing could even be but it’s more common than most assume. 

When your mother fails to meet your needs emotionally, doesn’t show you love, or neglects you overall as you grow up the distance between the two of you grows. You realize that feeding into her hurts you more than you should be dealing with and while limits can be set, sometimes cutting ties is crucial for your own growth as a person. That being said, there will come a point where you wonder if you should try to save what is left of the relationship you have with her. wrote as follows on toxic parents and the effects they take on their offspring:

We like to think that with enough work, all parent-child relationships can be healthy, because on some level, all parents are good parents. Unfortunately, that isn’t always the case.

“We are social beings, and we thrive with community around us, which is why family is emphasized so heavily in our culture,” Cordova says. “However, it’s totally healthy and appropriate for individuals to set boundaries with family members.”

Sometimes, limiting or eliminating contact with a parent is much less damaging than having them in your life. While it’s normal for all parents to mess up their kids in one way or another, sometimes the overall impact on their children is too destructive.

“A toxic parent fails to provide the child with the emotional, physical, and psychological care they need to thrive and be emotionally healthy and independent,” Kondili says. “This looks different for different people, but the result is usually the same: lack of boundaries and emotional drain.”

You see, when it comes to whether or not you should get back in contact with your mother, you have to really ask yourself if she was helping you in the first place on any level. If your relationship was truly toxic, you shouldn’t be wasting your time but if boundaries can be placed and you can be comfortable, do what you think is best. Sure, we are taught that we must love our mothers but we can love them from a distance. We don’t have to let them break us down if that’s what they are doing. 

At the end of the day, this is a decision you have to make for yourself. That being said, if your mother is stuck in some kind of cycle it’s not going to be easy to get her to where you can be at least somewhat close to her. You will have good days and bad days. In order for you to be able to move forward, your mother will need to acknowledge the things she’s done but that’s not going to be easy for her, and for some mothers, that day might never come.