By looking at your love life and its history of it- you can begin to notice some patterns that are carried into those relationships. For some of us, we are always trying to bend over backward for others, while another person may be a bit controlling- each of us has our love style, and our childhood is what shapes our love style later in life.
The way our parents loved us and the events that transpire throughout our childhood have a major impact on how we love others. Even the romantic relationships we observed our parents in have a major impact on how we love others in our adult life. Marriage and family experts Milan and Kay Yerkovich have studied this correlation in-depth, and what they found was that everyone has a specific love style that is based on their childhood.
People who are pleasers are typically the ones who grow up with distressed parents or extremely wild siblings. They are typically good children, and they focus on making others happy throughout their lives. In relationships, pleasers are typically the giver. They do not like conflict and will instead resort to passive-aggressive behaviors instead of arguing. Pleasers are oftentimes anxious, especially about upsetting those they love. And because of this, they tend to put the needs of others first. For a pleaser to find a healthy relationship- they must learn about boundaries.
The victim grew up in a chaotic home, sometimes even with a violent presence. Victims tend to have low self-esteem and struggle with anxiety and depression. In relationships, victims are likely to relive similar situations as the ones they grew up in, and this can ultimately lead to them getting taken advantage of. Victims can have healthy relationships if they learn to stand up for themselves.
Those who fall under the controller tend to come from a situation growing up where they did not get a lot of attention and, in many cases, are emotionally and even sometimes physically neglected. Starting very early in life, they learned to not be dependent on anyone. In turn, they can be very controlling over their own lives and get extremely uncomfortable when they lose control. They can be very angry, and even unpredictable. They tend to unintentionally control their partners, which can destroy their relationships. They can thrive in relationships if they learn to trust and let go of the need to control others.
Vacillators grow up with very unpredictable parents, who are never consistent. Oftentimes, they are left feeling unimportant and unloved by their parents. In turn, the vacillator can begin to feel a deep fear of abandonment, which can make them unstable in their relationships. They often may come off as clingy or needy on one hand and then withdrawn on another. To thrive in relationships- they need to adjust their expectations.
Avoiders grow up with parents who invalidate them. They are typically emotionally neglected and aren’t the best communicators in their relationships. In many cases, they may come off as distant and even detached. To thrive in a relationship, they must learn to communicate and open up.
The Secure Connector
Secure connectors grow up in emotionally healthy homes and are the ultimate goal for how to navigate relationships. They are good at communicating, they recognize their weakness, and they can approach their partner without holding them to unreachable standards and without devaluing them.