Skip to main content

We all find different things attractive and sometimes we want people who don’t exactly end up being the best for us but the dynamic you allow present in your relationships can make or break things. We all have to be willing to work on things together, otherwise, we will fall victim to a toxic dynamic that either works for one of us and not the other or doesn’t work for anyone involved.

I recently came across a Gottman article that noted that the most common reason couples seem to fall out of love was because of the pursuer-distancer dynamic that can develop within a relationship over time. This specific dynamic is poison and can ruin even the best of connections if allowed to run rampant. Basically in this kind of dynamic one person is trying to get closer while the other is resisting and growing more distant. This can happen for a lot of different reasons and leaves everyone unhappy overall. 

Those who are pursuers see it as they are not getting enough love and affection while the distancer feels as if he or she is being pushed to the max and as if their partner is too needy. This leaving both to feel as if they are not good enough for the other and from there, things get more and more toxic as time passes. This kind of dynamic is not good for anyone who has to go through it and well getting through it isn’t always as easy as you’d want it to be. 

When things get to this point eventually the pursuer decided they’ve tried all they can, and they stop putting forth effort which as things are finally fizzling out is enough to get the distancer to show them what they wanted all along but usually by this point it’s far too late. This kind of thing is quite heartbreaking overall. 

Now, when it comes to breaking this dynamic and getting things on track you have to be willing to accept whether or not you’re the pursuer or the distancer. From here you can come to terms with why you do the things you do and how to correct them. If you are a pursuer stop blaming your partner for the way you feel and try to stop pursuing so much, find other things to make you feel more in control. If you are the distancer, try to make more of an effort to open up, I know it can be hard but if you care about this person you will make an effort. 

Breaking these roles is not going to be easy and you may find that it’s not something you both do at the same time. However, the more you work on yourself the more your partner will in time work on his or herself. That having been said if you are truly unhappy in your relationship and nothing is helping you do not have to stick around. 

To learn more about this dynamic please take a look at the video below. This kind of thing is all too common. Does it sound like a situation you’re currently in?