If you think you’re in an abusive relationship or have an abuser in your life, be it a romantic one or something else entirely, looking for the signs of abuse could help you find the nerve you need to leave. I know, leaving isn’t easy, but you’re better off, in the long run, doing what is right for you.
Additionally, educating oneself about abuse can be empowering. “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” by Lundy Bancroft offers a comprehensive look into the patterns of abusive behavior and practical advice for victims.
10 Things Abusers Do To Tear Us Down And Why You Should Leave:
1. They cross lines they should never cross with people who are close to us.
We should not be with someone who is doing things behind our backs or putting down the people we care about. As someone you have so closely in your life, this person should not be talking badly about you to try and make the people who care the most about you dislike you. They should also not be trying to hook up with our friends or other things of that sort.
2. They push our boundaries.
If this person really cared about us, he or she wouldn’t be pushing our boundaries. We all have our limits, and someone who cares about us will know that. If we say no, that should be the end of things, we shouldn’t feel like we have to do things just to get them to stop going on and on.
3. They force us into things we never wanted anything to do with.
Abusive people love to coerce, and we all need to know that this is not okay. If we’re uncomfortable, we should be leaving, not sticking around. At the end of the day, if we don’t want to do something, we should not be doing that something, period.
4. They lie time after time.
Abusers love to lie. They lie about small things and big things. The more they can get over us, the better, and they love to withhold information even if they don’t have much reason at all to do so.
For those seeking guidance on how to leave an abusive relationship and heal, “The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence” by Gavin de Becker provides insights into recognizing the early warning signs of danger and how to trust your intuition.
5. They belittle us.
These kinds of people love to beat us down. They make fun of our appearance and feed on our heartache, or so it seems like they do. They feel like the worse we feel, the more control they have over us.
6. They never apologize or admit their wrongdoings.
Abusers feel like they are the ones who deserve answers from us and well, not the other way around. They don’t apologize when they mess up or even acknowledge when they are wrong. They feel like no matter what they’re always right, even if they aren’t.
7. They blame us for all the things that go wrong in their lives.
When something goes wrong, this kind of person will blame that on us. While we had nothing to do with it, somehow it is our fault. This kind of thing is very toxic and can take a serious toll on us.
8. They physically hurt us.
Not all abusers are physical abusers, but some of them are, and when things get to that point we need to move on. Being with someone who hits us or takes advantage of us will only cause us more pain the longer we allow them around us. Sure, they might be someone we care about, but that doesn’t mean they should get free rein in this sense, we still deserve to be treated properly.
9. They dismiss our emotions and try to make us feel like we’re ‘too sensitive’ when we’re not.
We should never give someone the time of day who refuses to allow us to feel the things we’re feeling. Our emotions are not something to be dismissed. Sure, we might overreact sometimes, but most of the time we’re just reacting appropriately to something terrible. Allowing someone who hurts you over and over to turn the tables in this sense is a bad choice.
10. They try to control us in all possible ways.
Abusers love to control, and they want nothing more than complete control over us. They try to tell us who we can and can’t see or what we can and can’t wear. They want all our decisions to be theirs, and that is only going to get worse the longer they’re in our lives.
Lastly, understanding the psychological impact of abuse is crucial for healing. “Healing the Trauma of Domestic Violence: A Workbook for Women” by Mari McCaig and Edward S. Kubany is an excellent resource for survivors, offering strategies and exercises for healing and regaining a sense of self.
At the end of the day, abusers are not going to change, and we have to take things into our own hands. We deserve to live our lives happily and not to have to worry about whether or not the person we’re going home to is going to be angry and lashing out or not. Sure, it’s not easy to leave, but it’s also much harder to stay.