When anyone dies it is a hard thing to deal with but when you lose a parent, things are much more intense than anyone ever bothers to tell you. I know, everyone says it gets better or easier in time but honestly, it doesn’t.
When we lose one or both of our parents, there is a hole left behind that nothing can fill. It’s something you know will happen someday but are never prepared enough for. It sucks no matter what age you are but honestly, I think it’s worse as an adult. This I think because when we are adults we’ve experienced so much with our parents and seen them struggle, change, grow, and adapt. We’ve had differences and disagreements but overall we’ve also come through things to where we’re more like friends since we’re all of age and able to live our own lives.
Sure, at the end of the day they’re still our parents but we’re much closer to them as adults. We can be more open about things and well, on both ends we get to know one another in ways we never would have considered as children. Below I am going to go over some of the things that changed when my mother finally passed and while some of these might sound small, they are the things that make big differences for me.
Death changes us and it really leaves nothing as it was. I know, some people act as if they’re not bothered but deep down on some level they are. This kind of loss for me was tremendous and even now thinking about it makes me feel weak.
12 Things That Changed In Me After Losing My Mother:
1. I now hate hearing other people complain about their parents.
I know people all have different relationships with their parents but now that my mother is gone I hate hearing other people complain about theirs. They just don’t understand how little time they have left with their parents and it grinds me to my core. I know, I have no place to tell them how to act or treat their parents but I cannot help but feel upset over it from time to time.
2. I spend a lot of time talking to my mother even though she’s not here.
Before she passed, sometimes I would be irritated with how much she would call, and now all I wish is that she could call. I find myself speaking to her here and there even though she is not of this Earth anymore. I do not know if she can hear me but I try all the while.
3. I obsessively think of all the things I should have done more of.
I should have spent more time with her, gone to do things she liked more often but I didn’t. I should have taken her to do all the things she wanted and made sure she lived out the last few years of her life as best as she could but I just lived my life and popped in on here when I could. How could I have been so selfish?
4. I talk about her with anyone who will listen.
She is always on my mind and as a result, a lot of people hear about her. I share her life with anyone who will hear me out and well, it helps. I know, it might sound a bit odd but she was important to me and still is important to me. I want people to know how amazing she was.
5. I no longer have that closeness with her side of the family.
It’s like she was the glue holding us together and now that she is gone we’re just not reaching out to each other. The closeness I once shared with my family members on her side of the family is nowhere near what it once was. Without her here, everything in that area has fallen apart.
6. I answer my phone no matter the hour.
I never want to miss an important call now. You never know who is calling or if that call might be your last. I know, it might sound odd but turning my phone on do not disturb mode is not an option for me.
7. I am much more willing to tell those I love that I love them.
Before my mother’s passing, I was not quick to use the L-word but now I am. I will tell those I love that I love them over and over again to make sure they know. I don’t want anyone to wonder how I feel about them.
8. Nothing ever feels the same as it did before.
Everything is different. While some things are more different than others, they’re nowhere near what they were before. It’s like this loss has impacted every possible part of my living and well, it sucks. It sucks, so bad.
9. I am so jealous of those who get to still see their parents.
On Mother’s Day when I see parents with their kids or people getting gifts for their mothers, I don’t get to go see her not like I once did. Now I have to bring her flowers to the graveyard and am so jealous of those who get to be together with their mothers and fathers. Now seeing my father mourning as I am mourning and not knowing how to comfort him and deal with the loss myself, it feels like I’m fighting a losing battle.
10. I feel a lot of guilt that I cannot quite let go of.
There are things I wish I did and things I wish I didn’t do. Every little mistake I made bothers me and I just want my mother back. Missing her is something I never knew would be so crippling.
11. I feel like part of myself is missing.
Now, before all of this happened, I always thought something was missing but now I know something is missing and that I was much more whole before this loss than after. Without my mother around, things are much colder and I am not necessarily even the same person. I’ve lost myself through losing her.
12. I am no longer as strong as I once was.
Losing my mother showed me how truly weak I am. I am not who I thought I was and I doubt I ever will be. I have a lot of pain to deal with and honestly, it doesn’t feel like it will ever go away.