My anxiety is not something easily understood. It is not just being nervous before something important, instead, it is being physically unable to even go in somewhere to pay a bill this month and yet being able to do it with no problem next month.
Things that I have done a million times over can become difficult in an instant. Replying to an email can be crippling. Sometimes I find myself upset with no answer as to why. I am afraid of everything and nothing at the same time. Nothing causes my anxiety and yet everything causes my anxiety. It is unexplainable and there is no easy fix.
I can experience my anxiety around anyone, even my friends and family. The people I am comfortable that know me best can still make me nervous, this concerns them but I can’t help it. Sure, they can calm me down better than strangers and my anxiety is lower when I’m with them but that does not mean that it is no longer there. I am not always fine when they are around. They are not a cure for my illness.
The people around me can say and do everything perfectly and I can still be a mess. It just happens, I have zero control over it. I try my hardest to make the most of each and every moment even the hard ones. I find myself always worrying about something be it my next social encounter with strangers or even a doctors appointment with the same doctor I have been seeing for years now.
In public I wonder what people are thinking of me, do they notice how messy my hair still is even after working on it for an hour? Do they think I am being rude by not knowing how to respond or even being able to when they smile and wave at me? Does that joke I made in the checkout line make me seem stupid? Just how badly did I mess up this time?
I try so hard and yet my brain is never quiet. Anxiety sucks, it is hard to explain and I most of the time feel like I am better off not even mentioning it. ‘I don’t feel well, sorry” is my response to most people who think I am being weird that are not aware of my anxiety. This works just fine because no matter how hard I try I won’t be able to find the words to explain why I am anxious, I myself don’t even know.
I am afraid of what people think even though I don’t care what they think. I am awkward, embarrassed, confused, and always come across as weird. Please don’t judge me. You don’t have to understand me, I don’t even understand myself, how could I ever expect you to?